Tenderest of Tender Mercies

Look what landed in the street in front of my home this morning! I will tell you why this was such a blessing to me today in a bit. 

Coming home from the hospital the second time was such a blessing. I am so grateful for those who took care of me at the hospital but it was great to be home. I started my new chemotherapy treatment. I honestly can't remember the name of the new drug that was combined with the gemcitabine. It didn't affect me quite as violently but my feet had already begun to tingle and feel painful. I was experiencing the beginnings of neuropathy. I felt my body weakening and the muscle tone that is normal in a human body began to deteriorate. 

My pain medications at that time were 100 MCG Fentanyl in a patch form. I didn't know it at the time but the biggest problem with my appetite was my pain patch! The patch was too much for me. There is no delicate way to say what I am about to share. I am unique in a very odd way! I don't throw-up. Before I began the pain medication journey, beginning with the first surgery in September 2014, I had only vommited maybe 5 times my whole life and the last time it had happened was when I was pregnant with my son Braden 22 years earlier when I had a horrible intestinal flu. Crazy I know! With all the medication I was on I didn't want to eat and I my stomach didn't want me to eat. I began to lose a lot of weight. 

In September 9, 2014 I weighed 188 pounds! I was heavier than I had ever been. Within 3 months I had lost 30 pounds. My doctor told me to make sure I ate because when you start losing weight in my situation it is very difficult to stop the weight-loss. I continued to lose weight because I didn't want to eat and when I did I just couldn't keep it down. Between pain medication, C-Diff, chemotherapy, and radiation I lost a total of 55 pounds. I weighed less than I did in High School. Some people think that is a great thing. I even had a friend who told me that maybe she should get cancer to lose weight! I was astounded by her statement! I just hugged her and said, "No, no, no! You do not want to go through this!" It made me realize that we most definitely put way too much emphasis on our physical appearance!!! Please! Love yourselves the way you are!!! If you want to make a change that's fine but be gentle with yourselves!

Ashley and Mavin with their kids came to visit this last holiday weekend! I enjoy them so much! We played in the park and roasted hotdogs at the old church ranch! They were very happy to leave the cold north lands to come to our very warm and beautiful south land. I swear my beautiful grandchildren looked like vampires when we got them out in the sun! They have been inside for so long that their skin sparkled in the light! By the time they left I am happy to report they had a full dose of vitamin D and a few freckles to show for their time here with us! I love having them here and always cry like a baby when I say goodby to them! This brings me to the reason that I was so overjoyed to see that beautiful hotair balloon in the street in front of my house this morning. 

I love to be busy! Last week was so busy with Kanab High School's last basketball games, substitute teaching and looking forward to my kids coming! When that week was over I had nothing to do and I went into a depression for 3 days. It may sound silly. I always have things to do. I could have written more in my book, I could have blogged earlier, I could have painted or cleaned but all I wanted to do is lay on my couch and watch one episode after another of "Person of Interest"! I guess I progress better if I have a schedule! I have decided I need to make some solid goals and write them down and then schedule them in my calendar so I can check them off! If I lived a bit further north I could be around my kids and grandkids more often! BUT...I don't so I will figure this out! If there are any fabulous ideas out there I would love to hear them! I am not a good empty nester without a job!

When I was getting ready to substitute teach this morning I heard a loud noise outside my house! It literally sounded like a dragon was breathing fire! I even said that out loud to noone because Brenan and Channing were already gone! Oh dear! I ran to my bedroom window and the most unexpected, beautiful, stunning, colorful hotair balloon was landing! It was breathing fire! The balloon was caught in a wind drift and the captain had to land. There was no where for them to go and they saw a place at the end of the road in front of my house to the east that was large enough to deflate the balloon without interupting traffic! I think Heavenly Father knew that I could use a giant lift today! I was feeling better anyway but when I saw that balloon I literally inhaled and couldn't breathe! I ran out an took pictures! Barefoot! 

We are not alone! Heavenly Father knows us personally! He will help us with all our troubles and challenges. Little tender mercies or large hotair balloons are all around us if we will allow ourselves to be aware! 

Sorry this is a little long! I haven't written for too long! I will get to painting!

Remember...be gentle with yourselves!

Lisa

New Life New Love

I know what I am painting! Honestly, the sketch has been finished for several days. I haven't had the time to paint but it's on the calendar for tomorrow.

I am painting a butterfly. I chose a butterfly for several different reasons. I think butterflies are beautiful but more than that they represent metamorphosis! I am grateful that in this life we are able to continually become. We become taller, fatter, smarter, older and hopefully wiser, among other things. Butterflies, as you know, begin as caterpillars, which for me are similar to worms, (Yuck). After they wrap themselves in a cocoon for several days they emerge as colorful, beautiful, fluttering butterflies. I feel like my cancer journey has been much like the process a butterfly goes through. I was a nice lady before cancer but not all that I could be for sure. Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go! But I am earning my wings!

Life is not meant to be easy. We must stretch and grow and when we are stuck we seem to attract challenge that will help us break free. I know I had many chances to change, to become the woman I wanted to be and yet, a wall of fear the size of the Great Wall of China was in my way! I created the thought, the plans, the bricks and carefully built the wall one brick at a time thinking that I could protect myself from failure, from grief, from challenges, and from pain. Now I know that I cannot build a wall long enough or high enough to protect myself from myself. I am not a caterpillar! Not anymore! 

Chemotherapy is a mean drug! I have to say that I am grateful for these therapies that can shrink cancer or get rid of it altogether. I know many people who have had great success with the treatments, however, not without a great deal of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual suffering. When I began my treatments, soon after my surgery, I was given 2 of the most potent treatments that exist. The treatments lasted 4 hours, once a week at the cancer center and then a pump was attached to my pic line that I took home with me so that one of the medications could continue to invade my veins for another 2 days! When I was finished with that dose I went back to the clinic to get the pump removed. I live about an hour and a half away from the cancer center that I go to so that was a crazy time. Unfortunately, I had a very bad reaction to these chemo treatments. All of my soft tissues began to swell and blister. My lips blew up like little balloons, the tissue around the inside of my eyes was sore, and inside my intestines were blistered and swollen. I didn't know this at the time but the lesions in my intestines would just about kill me, literally! I also had an infection called C Diff and that had weakened my intestines before the chemotherapy was even started. To make a long story short, when my intestines blistered and lesioned poisonous fluids seeped out of the bowels and I became septic which means that my blood stream was being poisoned. I was so close to death that the hospital in my hometown called in life flight and I went for a helicopter ride to the hospital in St. George where I was admitted to the ICU for 3 days. 

I was in shock and so cold. The pain was intense and I remember thinking that I wished I could die! I thought of my family and how I couldn't let go just yet because I hadn't seen them and wouldn't leave until I could say goodbye. At this point, I experienced one of the greatest tender mercies of my life! When I felt like I couldn't take another minute of the pain, the shaking, and the bowel issues I literally felt my spirit separate from my body and float just above it. I saw light all around me and felt peace, love, and freedom from the physical pain I had been in for days. A voice quietly suggested that I had a choice to make. I could choose to stay in my body or I could let go. I remember thinking about how wonderful it was not to be in pain. I remember thinking about how easy it would be to slip through to the other side...and then...I thought about my family again! I couldn't leave them yet! I still have work to do here on the earth. I remember telling the voice, "I choose hard!!!!! I will stay!" I stayed in the hospital for another week recovering. Needless to say, I was also started on a different chemotherapy treatment!

Life is precious my friends! It is hard! I believe we knew that it would be a difficult journey. We couldn't have known how hard, but I know that it is worth every single challenge we endure!

So life has its hard times as we well know, but look at this face! Meet my beautiful new granddaughter Tyree Brooke! Joy of joys! Watching my handsome son and his beautiful wife with this little doll fills my heart to overflowing! This is their first child and she is one blessed little girl! This is the reason I haven't painted or posted lately! Just living life!

This little girl is loved instantly! I love how that happens! Tyree is my 6th grandchild! I have another reason to live longer!

I love my family! I need to get a new family picture done! :) 

Next post I will be painting my butterfly picture! I will be back in a jiffy! 

Be amazing!

Lisa