Tenderest of Tender Mercies

Look what landed in the street in front of my home this morning! I will tell you why this was such a blessing to me today in a bit. 

Coming home from the hospital the second time was such a blessing. I am so grateful for those who took care of me at the hospital but it was great to be home. I started my new chemotherapy treatment. I honestly can't remember the name of the new drug that was combined with the gemcitabine. It didn't affect me quite as violently but my feet had already begun to tingle and feel painful. I was experiencing the beginnings of neuropathy. I felt my body weakening and the muscle tone that is normal in a human body began to deteriorate. 

My pain medications at that time were 100 MCG Fentanyl in a patch form. I didn't know it at the time but the biggest problem with my appetite was my pain patch! The patch was too much for me. There is no delicate way to say what I am about to share. I am unique in a very odd way! I don't throw-up. Before I began the pain medication journey, beginning with the first surgery in September 2014, I had only vommited maybe 5 times my whole life and the last time it had happened was when I was pregnant with my son Braden 22 years earlier when I had a horrible intestinal flu. Crazy I know! With all the medication I was on I didn't want to eat and I my stomach didn't want me to eat. I began to lose a lot of weight. 

In September 9, 2014 I weighed 188 pounds! I was heavier than I had ever been. Within 3 months I had lost 30 pounds. My doctor told me to make sure I ate because when you start losing weight in my situation it is very difficult to stop the weight-loss. I continued to lose weight because I didn't want to eat and when I did I just couldn't keep it down. Between pain medication, C-Diff, chemotherapy, and radiation I lost a total of 55 pounds. I weighed less than I did in High School. Some people think that is a great thing. I even had a friend who told me that maybe she should get cancer to lose weight! I was astounded by her statement! I just hugged her and said, "No, no, no! You do not want to go through this!" It made me realize that we most definitely put way too much emphasis on our physical appearance!!! Please! Love yourselves the way you are!!! If you want to make a change that's fine but be gentle with yourselves!

Ashley and Mavin with their kids came to visit this last holiday weekend! I enjoy them so much! We played in the park and roasted hotdogs at the old church ranch! They were very happy to leave the cold north lands to come to our very warm and beautiful south land. I swear my beautiful grandchildren looked like vampires when we got them out in the sun! They have been inside for so long that their skin sparkled in the light! By the time they left I am happy to report they had a full dose of vitamin D and a few freckles to show for their time here with us! I love having them here and always cry like a baby when I say goodby to them! This brings me to the reason that I was so overjoyed to see that beautiful hotair balloon in the street in front of my house this morning. 

I love to be busy! Last week was so busy with Kanab High School's last basketball games, substitute teaching and looking forward to my kids coming! When that week was over I had nothing to do and I went into a depression for 3 days. It may sound silly. I always have things to do. I could have written more in my book, I could have blogged earlier, I could have painted or cleaned but all I wanted to do is lay on my couch and watch one episode after another of "Person of Interest"! I guess I progress better if I have a schedule! I have decided I need to make some solid goals and write them down and then schedule them in my calendar so I can check them off! If I lived a bit further north I could be around my kids and grandkids more often! BUT...I don't so I will figure this out! If there are any fabulous ideas out there I would love to hear them! I am not a good empty nester without a job!

When I was getting ready to substitute teach this morning I heard a loud noise outside my house! It literally sounded like a dragon was breathing fire! I even said that out loud to noone because Brenan and Channing were already gone! Oh dear! I ran to my bedroom window and the most unexpected, beautiful, stunning, colorful hotair balloon was landing! It was breathing fire! The balloon was caught in a wind drift and the captain had to land. There was no where for them to go and they saw a place at the end of the road in front of my house to the east that was large enough to deflate the balloon without interupting traffic! I think Heavenly Father knew that I could use a giant lift today! I was feeling better anyway but when I saw that balloon I literally inhaled and couldn't breathe! I ran out an took pictures! Barefoot! 

We are not alone! Heavenly Father knows us personally! He will help us with all our troubles and challenges. Little tender mercies or large hotair balloons are all around us if we will allow ourselves to be aware! 

Sorry this is a little long! I haven't written for too long! I will get to painting!

Remember...be gentle with yourselves!

Lisa

New Life New Love

I know what I am painting! Honestly, the sketch has been finished for several days. I haven't had the time to paint but it's on the calendar for tomorrow.

I am painting a butterfly. I chose a butterfly for several different reasons. I think butterflies are beautiful but more than that they represent metamorphosis! I am grateful that in this life we are able to continually become. We become taller, fatter, smarter, older and hopefully wiser, among other things. Butterflies, as you know, begin as caterpillars, which for me are similar to worms, (Yuck). After they wrap themselves in a cocoon for several days they emerge as colorful, beautiful, fluttering butterflies. I feel like my cancer journey has been much like the process a butterfly goes through. I was a nice lady before cancer but not all that I could be for sure. Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go! But I am earning my wings!

Life is not meant to be easy. We must stretch and grow and when we are stuck we seem to attract challenge that will help us break free. I know I had many chances to change, to become the woman I wanted to be and yet, a wall of fear the size of the Great Wall of China was in my way! I created the thought, the plans, the bricks and carefully built the wall one brick at a time thinking that I could protect myself from failure, from grief, from challenges, and from pain. Now I know that I cannot build a wall long enough or high enough to protect myself from myself. I am not a caterpillar! Not anymore! 

Chemotherapy is a mean drug! I have to say that I am grateful for these therapies that can shrink cancer or get rid of it altogether. I know many people who have had great success with the treatments, however, not without a great deal of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual suffering. When I began my treatments, soon after my surgery, I was given 2 of the most potent treatments that exist. The treatments lasted 4 hours, once a week at the cancer center and then a pump was attached to my pic line that I took home with me so that one of the medications could continue to invade my veins for another 2 days! When I was finished with that dose I went back to the clinic to get the pump removed. I live about an hour and a half away from the cancer center that I go to so that was a crazy time. Unfortunately, I had a very bad reaction to these chemo treatments. All of my soft tissues began to swell and blister. My lips blew up like little balloons, the tissue around the inside of my eyes was sore, and inside my intestines were blistered and swollen. I didn't know this at the time but the lesions in my intestines would just about kill me, literally! I also had an infection called C Diff and that had weakened my intestines before the chemotherapy was even started. To make a long story short, when my intestines blistered and lesioned poisonous fluids seeped out of the bowels and I became septic which means that my blood stream was being poisoned. I was so close to death that the hospital in my hometown called in life flight and I went for a helicopter ride to the hospital in St. George where I was admitted to the ICU for 3 days. 

I was in shock and so cold. The pain was intense and I remember thinking that I wished I could die! I thought of my family and how I couldn't let go just yet because I hadn't seen them and wouldn't leave until I could say goodbye. At this point, I experienced one of the greatest tender mercies of my life! When I felt like I couldn't take another minute of the pain, the shaking, and the bowel issues I literally felt my spirit separate from my body and float just above it. I saw light all around me and felt peace, love, and freedom from the physical pain I had been in for days. A voice quietly suggested that I had a choice to make. I could choose to stay in my body or I could let go. I remember thinking about how wonderful it was not to be in pain. I remember thinking about how easy it would be to slip through to the other side...and then...I thought about my family again! I couldn't leave them yet! I still have work to do here on the earth. I remember telling the voice, "I choose hard!!!!! I will stay!" I stayed in the hospital for another week recovering. Needless to say, I was also started on a different chemotherapy treatment!

Life is precious my friends! It is hard! I believe we knew that it would be a difficult journey. We couldn't have known how hard, but I know that it is worth every single challenge we endure!

So life has its hard times as we well know, but look at this face! Meet my beautiful new granddaughter Tyree Brooke! Joy of joys! Watching my handsome son and his beautiful wife with this little doll fills my heart to overflowing! This is their first child and she is one blessed little girl! This is the reason I haven't painted or posted lately! Just living life!

This little girl is loved instantly! I love how that happens! Tyree is my 6th grandchild! I have another reason to live longer!

I love my family! I need to get a new family picture done! :) 

Next post I will be painting my butterfly picture! I will be back in a jiffy! 

Be amazing!

Lisa 

True Friends

These are my most incredible, beautiful, best friends from my good ole Delta High days! These three wonderful ladies found out that I was in the hospital and came to see me several times during my 3 hospital stays. They live in very different places and came a very long way. Lollie is in Nevada, Becky lives in Northern Utah and Kathie lives in beautiful Central Utah. 

I kind of ruined a girls trip that we had planned because of this pesky cancer thing! So because I couldn't go with them they brought the party to me and trust me...THEY ARE A PARTY! They made me laugh and cry. They sang me a song they had made up, brought me little rabbit figurines with their names printed in their own handwriting...(get it? Delta Rabbits!) Lollie came to see me once wearing a rabbit suit and sang another lovely, self-composition! 

These ladies have been there through it all! Robes, pumpkins, songs, yarn, birthday shopping for Channing when I couldn't go myself, text messages of love and support, visits, milkshakes, and lots and lots of hugs!!! I am forever grateful for these sisters from other misters of mine!

Today I took a trip to St. George. I went to the temple and spent most of the day there. What a peaceful place. St George is lovely and warm. I spent a year there in my childhood. I didn't think of myself as a child then. I was a big 13 years old! Hello!!!! We lived in the little town of Middleton before there was a golf course, the community living developments and the businesses that have now connected Middleton to Washington and St. George. It has changed so much that the first time my husband and I tried to find the house I thought it had been torn down! It was nowhere to be found! When we figured out where the house was seeing it brought back a lot of really good memories. I wish we could have lived there longer.

I found a guitar to use for a while. A friend of mine let me borrow it until I decided if I want to pursue playing. As I lovingly tuned the guitar, OH so carefully BOOOOIIIINNNNGGG! One of the strings broke! I hadn't had the guitar for 24 hours and I broke a string. It is a good thing I went to St. George today so that I could get the string fixed! I was going to start learning chords yesterday so that I could let you know how uncoordinated I felt when I tried to put my fingers around the neck of the guitar to place and press each of the strings shown on the chart. Honestly, I tried a little bit Monday night. That is how I know that I am all thumbs trying to get the chords right. This is tougher than I thought! I'll give er' heck though!

Tomorrow I am going to paint. I'm not sure what to paint...It will come to me in my dreams tonight although I don't know if I want to paint what has been in my dreams! My dreams have been pretty traumatic lately!

If any of you have ideas for me to paint I would love some ideas. I would also love to see some of the things you create! What can you teach me to do! I am open to suggestions! I love learning new things these days! If you have an idea please comment! I would love to hear suggestions!

Back to true friends...I know I'm jumping around a bit!

I had a mullet! I think mullets are fine but I felt masculine and wanted a change. I like being a girl and I wanted to look like one!

Another dear friend of mine magically took my mullet and gave it a girl shape and now I feel like a new woman! My perspective has changed quite a bit in the area of physical appearance.

I used to spend too much time worrying about my physical appearance! It got to the point that I was incapacitated at times. I had a hard time being in public because I was so worried about what other people thought! The new pimple on my face, the extra 30 pounds, my frizzy hair, my crooked smile, my crooked teeth in my crooked smile, the indentation at the tip of my nose, my large forehead, my pagoda shoulders (I really worried about this because I have broad shoulders and they kind of turn up at the broadest point like the pagoda temples in Asia! :/), my varicose veins, scars, hips, belly skin after having babies, etc. I think you get the idea! You know...I wish I could take back all the time I wasted worrying about these body issues! I wish I would have spent more of that time loving and serving people, learning new things, visiting my family members, reading to my children when they were little, dating my husband...anything would have been more productive and less damaging than my devotion to hating the way I look! I can truly say now that we are all beautiful! There are many things I can find to smile about now that I am not obsessed with my physical appearance. Old habits die hard and every once in a while I hear a belittling thought begin to form in my head. I don't let it stay long! Those thoughts are not welcome anymore! We are much more than what shows on the outside! So much more! Let's explore!!!!!

Love you all,

Lisa

Fuzzy Memories

 These are some of the flowers I talked about in my last post! This isn't even all of them either! I was feeling the love that's for sure! Thank you, everyone, for sending flowers! They meant so much to me and my family!! Flowers are actually one of my very favorite things in this whole world!

The hospital stay is kind of a blur to me. My family remembers more than I really want them to because I said and did some pretty weird things according to them! Some people really like the way being on pain medications make you feel! I DO NOT! I am glad, however, that I was a constant forum of entertainment for those who came to see me and those taking care of me in the hospital! I remember a few things...I remember closing my eyes trying to sleep. I couldn't go to sleep because every time I would close my eyes I felt like I had giant rolls of animated wallpaper waving around me like a flag in the wind. I had elephants dancing on a pink background whipping around me. I saw music notes some of which were bold and others faint wrapping around my brain. I had different colors and geometric shapes that would morph from one shape to another and change color while spinning around my imagination! I was so mad! I just wanted to close my eyes! My daughter Ashley could tell you other stories! When the medication thing was figured out and I wasn't as high as a kite every second I could finally rest! I was very grateful for that time.

I don't remember how long I stayed in the hospital but I think it was about 2 weeks. Maybe a little more. I felt so bad because I couldn't go to Channing's volleyball games! I can't say how grateful I am for modern technology and the efforts of Skalooza so that I could watch the games online. It wasn't the same but, at least, I didn't miss anything completely! I also loved watching the Kanab Cowboys play football each week! I stayed connected.

One thing I remember most about that first stay in the hospital was how everyone tried to get me to drink those protein drinks that are already made in those cartons!!! Yuck! I still can't drink them! I just was so nauseated all the time that I still have problems with the smell of some things! It's not the drinks fault! It's too bad the experiences we have sometimes in life can really put a damper on how we feel about certain things.

So I now eat a little differently. Oh, don't get me wrong...I eat a Reese's Peanutbutter Cup at least 3 times a week! But I also know that I need a lot more fruits and vegetables. It's really hard to get what we need from our food intake because honestly we would be eating them all day long. So I use my Blendtec and whip up a green drink to take care of at least a couple servings of fruits and vegetables. This particular drink shown in the picture below has coconut milk, a whole banana, a whole apple (peel included), some bottled peaches (a little sugar in the juice but they are home bottled so not very much!), a couple hand fulls of spinach and kale, a few carrots, about 2 teaspoons of turmeric, and about a tablespoon of black chia seed. I always add ice because a warm green drink is no bueno!  I am not sure what the chia seed is for but my uncle Dave and aunt Julie swear by it so I do it! It sounds kind of gross and Channing thinks it is but Brenan and I quite like it and I know for myself I feel better physically and emotionally when I am faithful about it.

I think I mentioned that I am substitute teaching now! If not, I am substitute teaching! I love it! I love the kids and enjoy being at the school with Channing and Brenan! It brings me joy!!! In the picture below I am teaching the social dance class. These are such awesome, beautiful girls. They waltzed for me, with young men of course. The young men were busy trying to shoot baskets while lying in various places on the gym floor when this picture was taken. That was quite entertaining and, just so you know, we were finished with the lesson and had just a few minutes left of class. In this same day, I taught English, an 8th-grade dance class and advanced dance that the Larriettes (our drill team) are a part of. They are getting ready for Region tomorrow evening! GO LARRIETTES! I will post pics later. It was a fun day!

The next day I was asked to sub for our art teacher. It was "free draw Friday" so I was able to choose what the kids got to do that day. The poor kids...they are studying computer graphics and art and I come in and ask them to draw by hand a self-portrait! You should have seen the looks on their faces! I caused some major stress. I did a little rethinking of the project and told them that if they wanted to they could try a serious portrait but if they didn't want to be serious they could do a caricature or a cartoonish portrait. That eased their minds a bit.

While they were working on their portraits I decided to work I my own self-portrait. You know the old thought that we shouldn't ask others to do what we are not willing to do ourselves. As I thought about how to proceed with my own project I thought about drawing a picture with half of my face depicting what I used to look like and then the other side of my face what I looked like in the midst of my chemotherapy treatments. At first, I thought about making the chemo side sad or almost skeleton like. Chemotherapy is hard on the body and literally tries to kill your body in some ways. But as I thought about it a little further I decided to sketch a smile both on the before cancer side and the chemotherapy side. My experience has always been positive. I have tried to smile and have a good attitude. Honestly, I know that I have had divine help along the way. I was carried through most of the last year and a half by my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and angels both in heaven and on earth! I know there have been miracles, many miracles in my life but especially during this most challenging time in my life.

This is a long post! I should have written 2 times for this one post so I will be back very soon with the next chapter in my adventure. I want to do an "after" self-portrait now and I haven't forgotten about watercolors using the paint in the tubes. I am also looking for a guitar. I want to learn to play guitar so that I can take music with me wherever I go!

Love you all!
Lisa

Here We Go!

As I recovered in the hospital after the surgery and diagnosis I was amazed, touched, flabergasted, blessed and completely humbled by the outpouring of love, prayers, concern and flowers I received. The nurses told me they had never seen so many flowers in one patient's room before! There were so many flowers they covered my table, the counter by the sink and the top of the wardrobe. I had too many visitors to count. Family and friends I hadn't seen for a long time came to visit as well as my parents and, of course, my immediate family was there as much as they could be! What an incredible experience!

My recovery was difficult. I have a weird thing with pain medications and it took a while to figure out a medication that worked for me. I am the type of person that wouldn't even take Tylenol or Ibuprofen before all of this happened except for rare headaches. I did not want to go on pain medications but everyone was insistent that I "needed them". I don't like the effect they have on me and didn't want to become addicted! My doctor told me that I would be addicted but that was the least of my worries at the moment! So I relented!

Through all of this, I was having a very difficult time eating. I had no appetite. This lasted for most of the year. My poor family had the task of trying to get me to eat something! I was losing weight rapidly and my doctor told me that if I continued to lose weight as quickly as I was that it would be hard to stop the weight loss. Well...I had never had a problem like that before! Haha In fact, I was the heaviest I have ever been when I went in for the surgery. I went from 188 pounds to 135 pounds in 2 months time! I'm getting ahead of myself...

I am so grateful for the people at the hospital that took such good care of me day and night! These sweet people checked my vitals, woke me at all times of the day and night to make sure I took my medication, tried to get me to eat, and drew blood every morning at about 5:30 a.m. I definitely had incredible care. I tried to be a happy, kind patient and asked for as little as possible. I told them thank you often but I wished there was something more I could have done.

So the picture above is all of the watercolor supplies I have. There is paper, hard pan watercolor paints, watercolor tubes and watercolor pencils. I have many different brushes, paper towels and 2 bowls of water. I have painted with watercolors before. My mother introduced me to them and taught me what she knows. I think it's my favorite artistic medium right now so I was excited to maybe learn something more about it. I did learn something more after looking at various websites and pictures trying to be inspired I learned that I like to figure things out on my own! I sat down and began to sketch. My husband asked me if I would like to go to Italy this summer. WHAT!!!!? ITALY! That has been number one on my bucket list most of my life! What does going to Italy have to do with sketching and painting? EVERYTHING! I sketched a boat next to a dock and I named the boat CIAO! Ciao is a greeting in Italian. After I sketched the picture I decided to use the watercolor pencils. Here are some pictures of the process.

These first two photos show the sketch after I used the pencils. It is much the same as using colored pencils. After coloring the picture with the pencils I used water and a small paint brush and began at the top applying the water to the color. I love these pencils for my grandkids too. They have a blast coloring pictures and then painting what they colored.

This photo of the painting was taken after the water had been applied with a brush. I love this brand of pencil.

The picture above is almost finished. All that is needed is the finishing touches. A light outlining of the details of the painting with a black pen completes the look I want and the painting is finished! This photo doesn't show the end result as well as I would like it to but hopefully you can get the gist. I had a wonderful time doing this. Next time I'll use the tube. We can compare and see if there is a difference in the color and texture between the 2 types of paints.


I hope you have all had a wonderful week so far! We are halfway through the week already! I'll be back in a couple of days.

Living Beyond Cancer
Lisa

The Beginning of the Beginning

January 17, 2016

I am finally living my life again! I am not supposed to be alive according to statistics but I refused to be a statistic and chose to experience my own journey with pancreatic cancer in my own way. I want to share my story in a little bit of a different way. I want to share it in small installations along with what I am doing with my life moving forward. I have a list of things I want to learn and do and I would love for you to join me on my path to a fulfilling and adventurous life after cancer.

About 6 years ago I knew something was wrong with my body in the abdomen area. I went to doctors who tested me for heart issues, ulcers, and acid reflux disease. I tested positive for H Pylori and was treated for that but none of the other possibilities along with the medications that were supposed to help these conditions gave me any relief from the growing discomfort. I decided that I must be a little crazy and that the stress I was enduring in my life at the time was probably the cause of my physical challenges. Life went on...

A year and a half ago the discomfort turned to unbearable pain and I decided I needed to go to the doctor again. I was not sleeping because of the constant pain and had a difficult time working as the pain was a huge distraction. I prayed I would be able to get answers! The doctor told me the same thing I had heard years earlier. I had a CT scan that warned of a slight abnormality in the pancreas but was given more medication for acid reflux and went another round of antibiotics for H Pylori. Needless to say, I was extremely frustrated because I knew that the medications were not going to work! A couple days later I called the doctors office and demanded that I get an MRI scheduled immediately! I wanted answers!

A couple of days later I went to St. George and had the MRI...they found a mass in my pancreas. I talked to my doctor soon after and from him was referred to a surgeon who would perform a Whipple procedure to remove the mass and hopefully it wasn't cancer.

September 9, 2104, I went into surgery that would open me up, remove part of my stomach so that they could get to the mass and bypass some of the ducts from my stomach and liver and remove the mass on my pancreas. I am sure that is not all the procedure entails but it's all I can recall. A few hours later the doctor came to the waiting room where my family was waiting and gave them the grim news...I had inoperable stage 3 pancreatic cancer. Statistically, one of the worst cancers to have because when you find it there is not much to be done to cure it. The cancer was also in one of the worst places on the pancreas because it is at the head of the pancreas close to many major organs, veins and arteries and the tumor had wrapped itself around three main arteries and veins that attach to my liver. I imagined the veins and arteries as small and wondered why the doctors couldn't just remove them, along with the cancer, and reroute the troublesome area but these veins and artery are almost as big as garden hoses! I didn't know that anything like that existed!

That is how this journey began. When I woke up and asked my husband what the doctor had said he didn't want to tell me until morning when I was more rested. I persisted and wanted to know right then. He told me what the doctor had told him...I looked at him and said, "Well let's do what we have to do! I don't have time for cancer!" I still feel that way!

In the picture above on the left I was at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon with most of my family. They brought our family reunion to me! The other photo is a trip to a beautiful spot called "Peek A Boo" near Kanab. We took a four wheeler and a side by side and drove in to do a little hiking! It was finger numbing cold and my grandson Trasen was frozen but he wanted to "ride" even though his little face didn't show much enthusiasm!

I have decided that since I am still here on this earth I am going to experience as much of it as I can for as long as I'm here! The first thing on the list of things I am going to learn to do is water color better. I have never followed directions but I find that there are people who know what they are really doing and I want to learn from them. I will be blogging about my new experiences as I share my story.

Tomorrow... I will get tips for painting with watercolors. I like watercolors because I can create something beautiful or creative, hopefully both, in a short amount of time.

Thanks for joining me on my new and exciting journey!
Living beyond Cancer
Lisa